The trouble with Christmas

As is well known, Christmas is the peak time for divorce and family break-up. Most of the people I meet regard it as a stressful chore or something to be endured rather than enjoyed.  So why, I wondered,  is this major cultural phenomenon so loathed? There is the commercialism, of course, but I don't see that as a major factor in family break-up. Much of the angst seems to revolve around, seemingly trivial, details; there seems to be more to this dissatisfaction than 'bah-humbug' grumpiness with festivity and self-indulgence.  Those that seem happiest with Christmas proceedings seem to be those people who set the agenda and those who derive satisfaction from being close to, validated by, the agenda-setter who is the centre of that group. Problems occur when agenda-setters come up against other agenda-setters, in which case, the rest of us are caught in between, trying to satisfy competing 'needs'. Typically this will occur when one family group visits another.

One of the conflicts seems to be around the tension between the communal  and the self-centre. If self-centering is dominant, everything is seen in terms of gain or loss for that individual. As is well known, the infant sees themselves as the centre of the universe and seeks to command and control events in the environment to maximise opportunities and minimise threats and therefore quickly develops strategies to bully or curry favour with parents by means of screams or cuteness. For the self-centred adult-infant a threat can be as trivial as the wrong vegetable at the dinner, because this is seen as threat to being in control. Teenagers sometimes truthfully acknowledge opportunities when they admit that 'it's all about what presents you get'. This is not merely a matter of acquisitive desires but a 'measure of how much one is loved' so, as is well known, presents becomes a matter of competition for children and an unspoken signifier for adults. Being 'loved', in this sense, signifies how much one is a centre, or close to a centre. In our youth-centred society children and teenagers get showered with presents whereas the elders, honoured in other societies, get little.

 The communal idea is central to Christmas, it is a gathering together of the group. Contributions to the whole are recognised and honoured thereby binding individuals to the centre of the group and providing identity as being a part of the group.  The danger with this sort of arrangement is that, the more hierarchical the group is, the more passive the followers have to be; they defer responsibility for their actions to the centre. Given this dynamic, it is not surprising the conservatism of Christmas proceedings. This is not only an echo of the Victorian model of Christmas (the decorated tree etc) but also a dinner menu that has only been 'traditional'  since the 60s or later (c.f. 'traditional' music such as Noddy Holder's song from the 70's). Those at the centre, usually the older, economically powerful, revert to trying to relive their childhood experiences, re-creating the Christmas from their memories. These memories will be very individual and impossible to recreate in their entirety, but this would also explain the tenacity with which seemingly trivial detail is adhered to. To be lead present-giver either in terms of size, amount, price, thought or originality, is one way to become the centre of the group. (The traditionally female role of food-provider is obviously the other way, which is possibly why men find pre-Christmas so stressful.) At one Christmas I attended many years ago, the present-giving lasted hours because each unwrapping had to be done one at a time with the rest of the large group watching. This process was obviously torture to the present-receiver because they became very self-conscious under such scrutiny, attempting to 'perform' their 'spontaneous' wonder and gratitude. There was clearly points being scored, not only for the performance of the receiver but also for the status of the giver. Usually there is one clear winner to the present-giving competition which means that most feel a sense of inadequacy. To give no presents is such a situation is obviously shameful, officially signifying selfishness but, more critically, refusing to passively accept the points game set up by the central lead present-giver. Attempts to put a halt to the competitive escalation of present-giving with pacts such as 'We'll only give each other cheap/small presents this year”  usually fail, with one party unable to resist giving bigger items, thereby breaking trust. I suffered years of jocular humiliation after giving my brother a (rather beautiful) pebble one Christmas.

Unsurprisingly commerce taps into all these fears and desires, promoting conservativism with its constant re-iteration of traditional images and promoting the notion of the (parental male) lead present-giver in the image of Father Christmas. Images of delighted (or disappointed) children's faces reinforce expected norms and duties around tangible demonstrations of 'how much they are loved'. This year the youth market was targeted with a particular focus on male and female perfumes; nothing to do with smell, of course, but all about associating with a particular form of glamour and a way to score present-giving points by means of price.

So, with all its pitfalls and stresses, no wonder Christmas is such a trial and leads to break-ups. Good to be back at work?